Five Nights of Bullcrap
by TheSyndicateWolf
Summary: Night guard Mike Schmidt...a student getting his degree in robotic engineering...needs a job. The only job ad in the newspaper leads him to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. "Get paid 120.00 a week for sitting around in a trashy pizzeria all night! Help yourself to our overpriced pizza that we found in the dumpster!" That's what they advertised anyway.


Five Nights of Bullcrap

Chapter I

 _The First Night_ at Fredbutt's…uh…I mean Fazbear's was a breeze…for the first five freaking seconds. Those first five seconds…I was just relaxing... not bothering ANYBODY and then…methane…the methane…it flooded my office in five seconds. So, ten seconds into the job, I am suffocating in methane…or mustard gas…or chlorine gas…I honestly don't know _what_ it was…but that was the day I died.

Not really. I stumbled out of my office and projectile vomited ALL OVER THE WALL. So, there are about five gallons of puke running down my night guard uniform, and I'm stumbling down the hall; about as nauseous as a drunken kitten who's been SPINNING and SPINNING and SPINNING…AROUND and AROUND and AROUND…for HOURS and HOURS and HOURS.

I was looking for the bathroom so I could clean the puke off of me and maybe chuck some more soup into the toilet if I needed to. My lunch was GONE…and breakfast…and dinner…and 99.99% of EVERYTHING that I had eaten that day. If I puked anymore, I would've starved to death.

Eventually…after walking past a few tall dark figures that I didn't really care about…I made it to the bathroom. The big chunks washed right off, but stains never really came out of the shirt. I had to burn it that night and buy a new one. In fact, it smelled so bad that I couldn't but it back on. So the boss night guard was going to be walking around…doing guard things…and showing off his BOSS ABS! Yeah…I _definitely_ have a six-pack…and it's a BOSS SIX-PACK too…complete honesty. So, I grabbed a tissue from the bathroom, put it over my nose and mouth, and entered my office.

Even through the mask, I still almost threw up, but I managed to keep it down, if there was anything to keep down. I searched my office for the source of the deadly gas…and couldn't find anything…until I looked under the right side of my desk...very close to the armored door…that had been left opened 100% of the time.

It was a plastic bag full of…I honestly don't know…it was full of puke-looking green and yellow goop. Not to mention the brown and green mold…and something that looked like insect eggs. I didn't care. I just wanted it out of my office and out of my life. So I carefully picked it up, carried it to the parking lot, and dumped it on a sleeping stray dog. I only realized it was a dog when it started sneezing and gagging and whining. Please don't yell at me! I thought it was a pile of garbage! It was a dark night!

I quickly made my way back inside to get out of the cold air. I went back into my office and sat in my chair…enjoying the no-longer poisonous air. That's when I heard the evil voice.

" _I'M GONNA GET YAH! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

I heard quick footsteps outside of the left doorway. I freaked out before punching the "Close Door" button. I heard the sound of metal hitting metal. I looked up at the armored door to see that there was a large indention in the shape of a fox's face.

" _ARGH! ME FACE! I'LL GET YE FOR THIS, NIGHT GUARD!"_

I replied with a simple: "AYYYYYYYEEEEEEE." I looked at my watch. 5:49 a.m. My shift ends at 6:00 a.m. What would happen when my shift ended? Would that thing go away? What was it anyway? I searched through the mess on my desk and found the tablet that was hooked up to the camera system. The stage was 2/3 empty. The only thing left was an animatronic bear. Wasn't there supposed to be a rabbit and a duck? That's when I saw the power meter on the screen was at 50%. I quickly opened my left doorway again, but heard more footsteps almost immediately. They were slower than the last footsteps.

" _Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum…"_ It said in a musical tone…but I didn't realize it was singing at the time.

"YOU'RE DUMB!" I yelled out the door and shut it again. Then I heard laughing…a slow…evil laugh. I punched the button to close the other door. I looked down at my camera and saw that the bear was gone. Then I heard a knock on my right doorway. I slowly looked over at the window.

A pair of eyes peered in at me…and I had a feeling that they _didn't_ want to see me sitting here in my office having a good night. So…me being me…I gave him one polite and friendly gesture and the lights went _out_.

I sat there in the dark for what seemed like a long time…but was probably only ten seconds.

"HALLO?" I asked. Then a tall figure emerged from the right doorway. It was the bear…and it looked down at me with its creepy eyes.

"Ahem…I just need to…you know…get into place here…" It said as it slowly crept across the office as if I wasn't aware he was there…and then he submerged back into darkness. Then music started playing and I saw his eyes and mouth glowing in the darkness…then it stopped.

 _DING DONG DING DONG…_ DING _DONG DING DONG…YAY!"_

The lights came on.


End file.
